I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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