i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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