Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
