He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
