What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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