When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Please don't give away my fajitas
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
