Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
