smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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