shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
