We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
