Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
