Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
