saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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