I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
