I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
