3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
