sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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