the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
