I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm both gender and math confused
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
