I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just had sex bonerless
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
