i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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