oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
