What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
