The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
