Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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