Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
