Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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