Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.