In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
