i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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