my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
