Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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