What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
