Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
