If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
