the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
