Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
