i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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