Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
