tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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