Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
