Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
