ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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