why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
