I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
