I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
