I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
