I wish my penis had an off switch
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
