i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
