I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
